Mar 15, 2018 | By Jackie Chiquoine
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An Open Letter to Sarah Jessica Parker:
You’re selling your new line (400 items!) of clothes and accessories at Steve and Barry’s? You called it Bitten Sarah Jessica Parker because you were “bitten by the Steve and Barry’s bug” after going into one of their 200 stores? Really? What were you even doing there, SJP? Stocking up on collegiate sports gear? Worrying about making rent, but really needing to “treat yourself” to a new $10 shirt? Who are you, me? Listen, I get that they have low prices and that’s great and all, but seriously, you’re willing to associate with a company that has the name ‘Barry’ in it? Do you know I’ll have to go into the Manhattan Mall to personally experience the disappointment that touching your cheap clothes will undoubtedly bring? Lots of questions, I know! But I’m not through. SJP, did you know that S&B’s has totally arcane ideas about how to sell clothes? They don’t have a catalog or mail ordering. They don’t do online ordering. They don’t do in-between store transfers. They require you to have the original tags still attached to items you’re returning, even if you have a receipt. They’re pretty much only located in super-depressing malls, the ones that don’t have a Sephora or a decent food court. SJP, these will be your designer contemporaries at S&B’s: Marvel Comics, WWE, General Motors, Ford, Hershey’s, Kellogg’s, Coors and NBA player Stephon Marbury. Awesome. Now I have one stop shopping for Incredible Hulk T-s, beer cozies, gross basketball sneakers, and your line of Classic, Casual, Trend and Lounge clothes, all priced at $19.98 or under! Thanks! I’ve heard you say that “High quality, luxurious clothes do not need to cost as much as we’ve been led to think,” and you’re totally right, but I still feel uncomfortable at the prospect of buying $20 shoes, even if they’re super-cute and cheap and fill me head with visions of your flawless style, SJP. But you know what? I hope I’m wrong. It’s my sincere wish that when I skulk into the Manhattan Mall Steve and Barry’s on June 7th, I am greeted by a veritable wonderland of low-price fashion, that I will scoop up by the armful, and leave glowing with pride, wearing my gorgeous $20 shoes.
P.S: I saw the cutest picture of you and Matthew at Katz’s Deli the other night! You hair was still brown, your nose was still big and M’s sweater was positively Cosby! It made my knishes even tastier to see you guys looking so cute back in the day. Good luck, hon! xo
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